Mark Morford for your pleasure

Good thing nobody reads this blog...

Here Is The Big Gay Agenda
Revealed! The horrifying secret plot to homo-amplify America. Also: Dig this hetero agenda!
- By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist
Friday, January 27, 2006

I have spoken with my gay friends. I have been to yoga classes and men's health spas and Restoration Hardware, chic rug shops and the Castro Starbucks and really cute restaurants featuring mixed baby greens that cost $12. I have observed. I have taken notes. I have checked the fashions and the cars and the skin-tight T-shirts, the newsletters and the bumper stickers and the secret codes hidden within the rainbow flag.

It is time to come clean. It is time to reveal the truth. After all, the religious right has been hammering at it for years, the pseudo-Christians and the homophobes and the sexually terrified all fully and truly believing that there is a plot, a massive, deep-seated agenda among the gay community not only to decriminalize and demystify homosexuality but to actually coerce and cajole and actively lure the innocent white babies of America into the sordid and well-dressed "gay lifestyle," so much so that, much like aliens living in underground cities in Area 51, well, there must be something to it.

Just look. Look at the wanton slew of nasty e-mails I received -- intermixed like bloody shrapnel amid a huge stack of gorgeous e-mail enthusiasm, mind -- in response to my recent column extolling the virtues of the heartbreaking, perspective-altering "Brokeback Mountain" phenom, wherein I dared to suggest that this spare and potent little film might actually help deflect the savage karmic pain of people like Samuel Alito and move the human experiment forward, just a little. What nerve I had.

Mark, gay films move us back. To tell society, which includes children, that to stick a penis inside someones anus, a wholey unnatrual act is ok and normal is ubsurd. I don't hold anything against gays, I'm not one to judge people, they can do what they please, but to shove their pervertions down everyones throat, and to try to make it mainstream and teach children honosexualiy is a normal thing for people to do is sick. -- Steve W

Or this:

It is really hard to believe that people like yourself are gloating over this film and are so proud of the degradation of our country (USA) that you have joined the masses and are HELL BENT on the destruction of Christianity, family values, and everything that is decent and what out forefathers have fought and died for in this country. Your kind are the real BIGOTS! You are the enemy of everything that is decent and good, you love death and destruction (that is what the homosexual lifestyle will lead to)... -- Larry L

Isn't that sweet? Doesn't it make you feel good to be an American? Sure it does.

But you know what? Adorably rabid, misguided homophobes like Steve and Larry, they might have a point after all. Because after all my observations and when I really allow myself to be honest, I become convinced of the existence of a truly shocking gay lifestyle, an actual gay agenda far more sinister than even desperately misguided and morally lost people like Steve and Larry can comprehend.

Do you know what it is? Do you want to know the real gay agenda, what 96.8 percent of all gay couples wish for every single day including Sunday? Here it is:

From what I can glean and above all else, the gay people of America seem to want this simply inexcusable level of boundless, unchecked normalcy. It's true. For some reason, they believe the utterly disgusting idea that they should be able to live their lives in peace and trust and health, with full support and assistance from their schools and hospitals and government, just like everyone else. I know. Shudder.

It is, in fact, remarkably similar to what heteros want. And women. And black people. And immigrants. And dwarves. That is, to be able to fall in love and maybe even get married (or at least have the option) and have decreasing amounts of sex and raise a family and hold down a good job and pay their taxes and argue with their lovers over who the hell spent 200 bucks on long distance to their mother, all while not having to worry about getting the living crap beaten out of them with tire chains by Arkansas and Alabama and most of Texas, or secretly loathed by small-minded pseudo-Christians who wouldn't know Jesus' true message if it bit them on the other cheek.

Ah, the deviousness of it all, the sheer nerve to desire the same sort of lives as everyone else. But do you want to know the kicker? The true aspect of the "gay agenda" that makes the religious right's skin really crawl? Here it is: When all of that normalcy is in place, when these repulsive gay beings who like to walk around in public and eat at restaurants and drink their lattes and laugh out loud and stick things into each other's bodies for sexual pleasure, well, they want the most appalling thing of all: They just want to be left alone.

I know. It's hideous. How dare they! How dare most gays ask not to be harassed and not really care to flaunt their sexuality or convince anyone that homosexuality is cool or righteous or the only way to be, beyond reassuring children that it's OK to be whatever religion or sexual orientation your mind and body and heart and soul guide you to be. Can you imagine? What horror. Ignorant, intolerant schoolteachers should protest that nasty idea right now. Oh wait.

This is, in fact, the most sinister gay agenda of all. Normalcy. Lack of fear. Happiness. The right to be miserably in love just like everyone else and have it recognized by the culture as, well, no big deal. Safe. Healthy. Beautiful, even. What nerve.

To Steve and Larry's great dismay, gay people do not seem to care in the slightest for converting anyone to homosexuality, which of course would be the equivalent of converting a frying pan into a doorknob. It simply cannot be done. It's bitterly sad that this must be repeated so frequently in terms so simple that even Steve and Larry can comprehend, but gayness is no more a lifestyle choice than is blond hair or blood type or that knowledge, deep down in your skin, that Bush is raping the soul of the nation. It just is.

Much can be learned from this shocking revelation. Much we can glean from the gay agenda's "true" motivations -- most notably in how it contrasts with the famed and beloved Christian neoconservative heterosexual agenda, the one that instructs that you please keep your mouth shut and blindly believe in the same bitter God as everyone else, and by the way please bury your true sexuality and get married at 23 and pop out six kids and become quickly and quietly miserable and gain 30 pounds and stop having sex entirely and get divorced at 50 and wake up just in time to watch yourself die.

Oh my yes, that has proven to be just so much better, hasn't it, Steve? Larry?

Words of wisdom

From the Rude Pundit.

For earlier in the broadcast, David Gregory reported on the White House shooting down a widely-supported plan to rebuild New Orleans and said it could be done more cheaply. 'Cause, you know, that hope worked so well in Iraq. Gregory also reported on the White House's refusal to give documents to the bullshit committees investigating the response to Katrina. Indeed, the entire White House response has been the same as it was for the 9/11 Commission, the same as it was for any investigation of the "intelligence failures" on Iraq, the same as it was for any questions about NSA spying, the same as it was for the Plame affair, the same, the same, the same: the President ain't gotta tell you shit 'cause he's the motherfuckin' President, bitches.

Comforting words from the idiot in chief...

"Federal courts have consistently ruled that a President has authority under the Constitution to conduct foreign intelligence surveillance against our enemies. Predecessors of mine have used that same constitutional authority. Recently there was a Supreme Court case called the Hamdi case. It ruled the authorization for the use of military force passed by the Congress in 2001 -- in other words, Congress passed this piece of legislation. And the Court ruled, the Supreme Court ruled that it gave the President additional authority to use what it called "the fundamental incidents of waging war" against al Qaeda.
I'm not a lawyer, but I can tell you what it means. It means Congress gave me the authority to use necessary force to protect the American people, but it didn't prescribe the tactics. It's an -- you've got the power to protect us, but we're not going to tell you how. And one of the ways to protect the American people is to understand the intentions of the enemy. I told you it's a different kind of war with a different kind of enemy. If they're making phone calls into the United States, we need to know why -- to protect you."

But wait! There's more!!

"What I'm talking about is the intercept of certain communications emanating between somebody inside the United States and outside the United States; and one of the numbers would be reasonably suspected to be an al Qaeda link or affiliate. In other words, we have ways to determine whether or not someone can be an al Qaeda affiliate or al Qaeda. And if they're making a phone call in the United States, it seems like to me we want to know why.

This is a -- I repeat to you, even though you hear words, "domestic spying," these are not phone calls within the United States. It's a phone call of an al Qaeda, known al Qaeda suspect, making a phone call into the United States."

Here's the text of the Kansas State U. speech. Try to read it without laughing or throwing up.

One more step

in the march to fascism.

Is every word that comes out of this administration a lie?

Impeach Him

Great idea, but let's wait for Dick and that whack-job from Alaska, Ted Stevens, to die first since they are the next two in line for the presidency.

Oust Feinstein

Several Democrats, including Nelson and California Sen. Dianne Feinstein, already have said they don't think a filibuster is warranted.

Never...ever...will...I...vote...for Feinstein again!

Alito, an ardent baseball fan,

established himself as the Babe Ruth of evasion.

Voter Fraud

In depth.

The Reagan defense

"Uh...I don't remember."

Don't believe the lies

It's a Republican scandal.
(...And this one is written by a right-wing hack).

Yet Another...

...

One more reason...

...to oppose Sammy A-lie-to. Welcome back to the '50s America!

Without DeLay

I know it's a cliché thing to say, but that doesn't dampen the pure joy of the moment.

A New Post

As we barrel into the new year, it is time to either turn this thing into a living, breathing blog or let it rest.

2005 ended on a high note for political junkies of my stripe. We saw the Cunningham Scandal, and the Abramoff Scandal which represents systemic Republican corruption, and another fiscal compromise of our political process. Unfortunately, the prosecutor for the largest political scandal of the century is a Bush recess appointment hack named Alice Fisher, who is an enthusiastic Republican donor and has never prosecuted a case in her life. I expect a few sacrificial lambs to go down, DeLay being one of them, but the entire filthy K Street Project is alive and well as is the "Contract with America."

Here in California, Ahnold promised $222 billion to rebuild California's infrastructure, but didn't really come up with a plan to pay for it other than borrowing us further into debt, but that's the way Republicans run economies in the 21st century. It's amusing to watch the "flip-flops" of Bush hacks when they realize the people really don't like the snake oil they're selling, and they try to look moderate to get the mythical "swing voters."

Look for 2006 to be a humble year for the party in power. Too bad there isn't another party that can take advantage of their glaring missteps. We may have single-party government for a long, long time.

Lest We Forget...

More Pics

Minneapolis skyline with the Mississippi River in the foreground on our first day out June 21.

















Sartell outside of a really cool bike shop just north of Minneapolis.

















Me at Lake Harriet, a popular hangout and photo-op in Minneapolis.
July 4.

The Pacific Ocean

Here I am at the Pacific Ocean in Bandon, Oregon on August 14. I figured that since I rode all those miles that it wouldn't be sacrilegious to dip my tire in the Pacific, but the tide was out, so this is as near to "dipping" as I went.

Back Home

Here I am back at the ol' ranch. I logged almost 3,000 miles from June 21 to August 13. It has been an interesting transition back to my life in Santa Rosa. I am honest and for true going to post some brilliant prose and analysis about my trip, but I'm going through culture shock and a serious writer's block which can only be purged by writing about the trip. Quite a conundrum.

Check back in a day or two.

Almost "There"

Coming to you live from Sumpter, OR. I've been cycling through some of the most beautiful places I've ever seen, which is a nice change from the heat and dreariness of the prairies. The scenery changes by the mile, from desert to river corridor to pine forest, and any permutation one would care to imagine.

The trip will end one week from tomorrow in Bandon, OR, which is a little community on the coast that I haven't been to since 1989. Should be interesting to see the changes wrought over the past 16 years. When I get back, I will do some furious updating, but for now I have the toughest three days of the tour ahead of me. Six passes of increasing difficulty, culminating on McKenzie Pass and the Cascades on Sunday.

I Have Arrived in Mecca

After a twenty year wait, I have fianlly arrived in touring-cyclist Mecca; Missoula, Montana.

Why is it Mecca? Missoula is the home of the offices of the Adventure Cycling Association (formerly BikeCentennial). BikeCentennial began in 1973 with a plan to create a cycling route across the US, and in 1976 several groups of riders crossed this huge continent on bicycles to celebrate the nation's bicentennial. There are now three major west to east routes and many other routes, including one that follows the Continental Divide.

Cyclists from all over the globe pass through every year.

Missoula is home to the University of Montana, and is a "blue" island in a very "red" state. It is one of the most wonderful cities I have ever visited, and has lived up to my expectations. It was even worth the effort of cycling 450 miles in five days to arrive in time to take two days off for R&R. The food's great and so is the beer, and there are bicycles everywhere one cares to look.

The Adventure Cycling office is a gathering spot for weary cross-country bikers. The cyclist lounge is a place to sit and enjoy cold water, free drinks, and free ice cream. With the temperatures hovering around 90 degrees, it is a welcome distraction.

Having only seen six cyclists in the past 2000 miles, it was nice to actaually talk to other people who are traveling by bike. I feel a lttle less alien when I can share adventures with others who are going through the same ordeals that I encounter on my journey.

I met two cyclist yesterday. Nick Evans from Virginia who is riding from Oregon back to Virginia on a Bontrager mountain bike with a BOB trailer. His web site is here.

I also met a guy named Dustin, who is riding a fixxer from the East Coast to the West Coast. For the uninitiated; a fixxer is a fixed-gear bicycle that is only one speed, and cannot coast. Dustin is my new hero. He gave me his web address, but I don't have it here with me. I'll post it at a later date. On his return to California, he intends to build bike frames and create a line of cycling gear that is going to be very cool.

I had two flats in the first 2000 miles of the trip. On my triumphant entrance into Missoula, I had two flats in the space of three miles. I blame it on seven ugly miles of Interstate 94, which is littered with debris and heavily traveled by lumber trucks and RVs.

Tomorrow, which is Saturday the 29th, I go forth into the Rockies and the high deserts of Idaho. Looks like another 750 miles of not very much except some of the most beautiful scenery in the country and long distances between water stops. This is a great big beautiful place. May we soon get the Corporatists out of the halls of our government and replace them with sensible people who are interested in preserving what's left of the beauty.

Relief from the Heat

Well, the temperature is down about twenty degrees today, although I have about 75 miles to ride through heavy wind and occasional rain. There's only one place to stop between here and there and first thing tomorrow morning I start to do the real climbing up into the Rockies.

I've ridden 225 miles in the last three days and have about 200 more to go until I hit Missoula for a two day rest. The heat has turned my brains to mush, and the cows and antelopes are looking at me in a funny way, but as long as I keep pedaling I don't think they'll say anything bad about me. At least within my range of hearing.

I'm off to battle headwinds.